My apologies, let me first introduce myself, the messenger of such disturbia. My name is Ricinfal Cooper, (formerly Smaug) I had to change my name after my own father tried to take some of the treasure I had rightly stolen from my own first foirey into dragon-ing, haunting the misty keep of the mountains of Angmar and sacking the village of Framsburg. I am the son of Smaug. Aka Smaug the golden aka smaug the Impenetrable/Magnificent/ Tremendous/ Terrible/ Stupendous, Tyrannical, or other descriptive word of false flattery used by Bilbo and the filmmakers, that causally disparages the proud race of Dragons (and is borderline-anti-reptilian). I was only 180 when Smaug laid waste to the town of Dale and captured the Lonely Mountain and all the treasure within. Only 180.
As a 180 year old Dragon-ling in my still growing my sword-teeth, I had no idea what was going on! My father told me he was going to get some dinner, I didn’t know that he would burn a town of men and then steal the treasure of the Dwarf King under-the-mountain in a rain of dragon-fire! If I would have, I certainly would have tried to do something about it.
And so Peter Jackson and co. While you sache through the red carpets hunting your own golden treasure to place in your Hobbit-hole trophy room which I assume looks like a well-stocked pantry of statuettes. Let me tell you the truth: what really happened to the family of the dragon you so glorify in your 3 hour 3-D high frame rate movie. The REAL desolation of Smaug.
Or should I say, the desolation of Peter Jackson the horrible.
Mr. Jackson has directed several films “loosely’ based on the books by J.R.R. Tolkien (who never even lived in Middle Earth BTW!!) that are shot in New Zealand and marketed as harmless entertainment for children -- CHILDREN!! and it debuted in America during the month of Christmas! Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And yet they completly made up a B-story about an attractive Elf and handsome Dwarf who have some chemistry. But please, Mr. Jackson, feel free to make whatever you want up from your imagination. Becuase what really happened was worse, it was much worse.
I know. I was there.
Let me take you back. Smaug had a family once. Me, my mother my brother all lived in the mountains of the many lands of Middle Earth. Doing what dragons do: killing ruthlessly for gold coins. I’m sorry if its hard to do but thats the rub: WE’RE DRAGONS. I don’t know if you remember, the ‘film’ certainly doesn't’ show this but there were tough times in T.A. 2770 for Dragons. Galurung was long gone and with him, the golden age of Dragons. Dragons had to do what they had to do for their families. And yes, I knew what my father did was not right. Killing thousands of the Dwarfs of Durin’s Folk on the Lonely Mountain and forcing the rest to be exiled from their home was not the most ethical thing in the world. But its not like the Dwarfs we’re without sin. Erabor was completely mined out. Dwarfs we’re greedy too. Heck, who wasn’t? it was the 2770’s! The Dwarves sliced up the mountain like Papa John using mining techniques that by today's standards would be completely illegal.
My father told me that he had to go and teach these Dwarfs a lesson by fire and claw. He said he was going to get some gold for my siblings and my mother and I.
And here’s the thing: I completely believed him.
He never came back. He took all the gold for himself and then just sat on it. Literally, sometimes lying in it. Sometimes swimming in it like a gigantic fire-breathing Scrooge McDuck. But listen guys, I get it. Dragons are sexy. And hey, I was conned too. By. My. Own. Father. Who. Is. A. Dragon. After Smaug left, our family had to fend for itself. Pillaging small villages, just doing like dad would do. I horded mountains of cocaine for a while, slept under a pile of hookers. I live in Los Angeles now somewhere under Mt. Olympus. (How I got to where I am I’m saving for the memoir. )
So here’s the thing: you people are dangerous. Your film is a reckless attempt at glorifying the behavior of dragons. It depicts the very greed and dragon-fire-makes-right attitude that had brought America to its knees. And its wrong.
And you made it 3-D -- you who call yourselves liberals. Mr. Jackson, you collect WW1 planes. Can you imagine if a dragon saw you flying in a bi-plane? What exactly would happen? It wouldn't be pretty. So why don’t you tell the truth: Smaug did not die. Dragons always land on their claws. And I’m sure Smaug will be getting more gold for this. Greed is greed. Dragons are Dragons. And Smaug is the greediest dragon in history of all the Earths. And you made him look cool. Well, for me, it's become goddamn unbearable. But I refuse to give up.
Let me ask you something. What makes you think people will want to see this movie: do you think the descendants of Smaug’s victims will watch it? Did you even think about Dwarves when you were making this movie? Did you wake up and go: ‘oh, I know well make a 3 hour movie about a mass murderer who can fly and hordes gold. Kinda like “The Aviator’ with less urine more dragons. That sounds like a good idea!’?\
Wake up. This is Dragon-porn. Nothing more.
I urge all of the world to not see this movie. Boycott the glorification of Dragons. Excuse me while I pre-order my ticket for ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’. Which may not be perfect but at least it tells the truth about Dragons. That they are dangerous and need to be trained. I wish I got more training going up. But I grew up without a father, because he was under a mountain laying in a gigantic pile of gold and treasure!!
Yours Truly,
Ricinfal Cooper
PS: quick update on my Dad. Last I heard he lives under a mountain in Albania now. Got his own little pile of gold too -- Dragons always, always land on their claws.
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